Bush abandons "Axis"

September 21, 2005

AP: Citing inherent constraints with the term, President Bush has replaced his controversial "Axis of Evil" label with the more comprehensive term, "shit list."

"This term is easier for people to understand," Press Secretary Scott McClellan explained in a morning briefing. "Our research has shown that very few Americans know what an 'axis' is, and those who do know were unable to tell us what an evil one would look like, or how it would behave." In contrast, the term "shit list" tested "very high" in such categories as term recognition, comprehensibility and clarity of message, across a wide range of demographics.

"Everyone has a 'shit list,'" McClellan continued. "The penetration of the term into the nation's vocabulary makes the President's list much easier to understand. When the President says, 'you're in my axis of evil,' people tend to scratch their heads. But when the President says, 'Iran, you keep developing nucular [sic] energy, and you're going on my shit list,' everyone knows what that means."

McClellan predicted that America will be hearing "a lot more" about the President's list in the coming weeks, and recent public appearances by the President and his inner circle would bear that out. In a speaking engagement at the Shrapnel Manufacturers Convention in Nashville, Tennessee on Tuesday, President Bush also cited the "flexibility" of a shit list, as opposed to an axis. "What if I want to add a country? How about a person? I can't rightly do that with an 'axis.'"

Showing her now-famous facility for the one-liner, First Lady Laura Bush, while not mentioning the shit list directly, did couch the term "axis of evil" in somewhat disparaging terms during her Wednesday address to a female-circumcision survivors' luncheon in Arlington, VA.

"I'm not sure if there are any clear rules on the matter, but I think most people agree that an axis should only have 2 or 3 things on it. Any more than that, and it's not an axis any more, but more like a pretzel. And America can't have a pretzel of evil--well, except for that one George choked on over the holidays a few years back. If there ever was a 'pretzel of evil' [laughing] that was it!"

Sources close to the President were coy to discuss particulars about the list's precise makeup, but were able to confirm that the President's shit list would include Michael Moore, Ted Kennedy, Al Franken, France, and--somewhat mysteriously--Angela Lansbury and the small Pacific Island kingdom of Tonga.

According to McClellan, Mr. Bush will read the contents of his shit list in its entirety during a prime-time address on Saturday. Mr. Bush's shit list will be available online immediately following the address at www.whitehouse.gov/shitlist.